英文原文
What is Equanimity and How Can it Improve Difficult Relationships? – Lifestyle Medicine
What is Equanimity and How Can it Improve Difficult Relationships?
December 17, 2025/inMental Health, Social Engagement, Stress Management
By Sharon Brock, MS, MEd
Many have heard of the book “The Let Them Theory” by Mel Robbins, but most don’t realize that the theory is influenced by an ancient mindfulness concept called equanimity.
Equanimity can be defined as non-reactivity, emotional stability, or a steadiness of mind. We are equanimous when we remain calm and composed, especially during challenging conversations or situations. Achieving resilience and balance amidst life’s challenges is the north star for many mindfulness practitioners.
“There is a mindfulness principle that suffering is the result of wishing things were different, so when it comes to our relationships, we suffer a lot,” says Sarah Meyer Tapia, PhD, Certified Mindfulness Facilitator and Head of the Stress Management pillar of Stanford Lifestyle Medicine. “But, when we cultivate equanimity, we can start to accept people as they are; we become less reactive and more understanding in our relationships, and ultimately we suffer less.”
How To Cultivate Equanimity
When we feel a surge of agitation in the nervous system, mindfulness is our first step. We can pause, take a deep breath, relax the belly, and bring awareness to our emotions. Being present—or mindful—with our emotions without judgement helps us to slow down and begin to cultivate equanimity by repeating the following phrases:
“Things are as they are; may I accept things just as they are.”
“They are as they are; may I accept them just as they are.”
It’s important to remember that acceptance does not mean that you condone bad behavior or say that a harmful situation is “okay.” Additionally, equanimity is not about passively surrendering, ignoring a problem, or avoiding hard conversations. Oftentimes, the next right thing involves taking action, but since we are operating from the reasoning part of our brain, we are better able to take wise action.
“Equanimity is a practice of acknowledging what is true, admitting what is really happening,” says Dr. Meyer Tapia. “So, we can either spend all our energy wishing or pretending things were different, or we can use the equanimity practice to finally see and admit the truth about a person or situation and then ask ourselves, ‘What are we going to do about it? How am I going to respond?’”
Equanimity Fosters Healthy Communication
By midlife, many of us recognize that we don’t have much control over how others behave toward us or what happens in our lives; however, we do have some control over how we respond. The equanimity practice helps us respond from a place of calm and wisdom rather than reactivity.
After repeating the equanimity phrases a few times, we can start to see the person or situation more clearly, therefore, making us better equipped to decide how best to respond. We might choose to have a follow-up conversation to discuss our needs or boundaries, or it might be wiser to let it go.
Dr. Meyer Tapia recommends considering the following factors when deciding whether to have a follow-up conversation after a conflict:
* Which choice feels like freedom—having the conversation or letting it go?, * Could a conversation make the situation worse or put you in an unsafe position?, * Will the other person be able to receive the feedback?, * Is the challenging behavior a pattern, or did it happen only once?, * Does not having a follow-up conversation feel like a self-betrayal, or that you’re not standing up for yourself or speaking your needs and boundaries?, * Make a list of what you need and want from this conversation and ask what the other person might need or want., * Consider showing up to conversations with an open approach that will promote repair, mutual understanding, and resolution—as opposed to trying to convince the other person to see your point of view or that you were “right.”,
“Remember, this is your life, and you get to decide how you’re going to spend your precious time and energy,” says Dr. Meyer Tapia.
Respond vs. React
Research shows that when mindfulness practitioners become aware of their emotions, brain activity shifts from the amygdala (an almond-sized region in the center of the brain associated with fight-or-flight) to the pre-frontal cortex (a larger region of the brain located behind the forehead associated with reasoning and wisdom). What this means in real life is that mindfulness can help us respond to challenging situations with grace rather than react from our stress center.
Over time, equanimity practices can help us manage our negative emotions more efficiently, which supports the development of healthy relationships. For example, if we get upset with our partner, rather than reacting in the moment, we can go for a walk, take deep breaths, and repeat the equanimity phrases. Once we’ve regained composure, we can have the hard conversation and communicate our needs from a place of wisdom and clarity rather than a mindset of threat, fear, and blame.
“When we are in reactivity, we talk to people as if they are a threat, and we express our point of view as if our survival is at stake. It’s a primal, often unconscious orientation of, ‘I’ll die if I don’t win, fix this, or get them to agree with my side of the story’,” says Dr. Meyer Tapia. “When we shift into acceptance, however, we can operate from a place of mindful choice. We think, ‘This is who this person is, so how am I going to show up to have the best conversation possible?’”
Dr. Meyer Tapia says this ability to have difficult conversations from a place of equanimity can improve our relationships because we are less likely to say something we might regret and are better able to consider and care for the other person’s needs along with our own.
Equanimity Reduces Co-Dependency
Equanimity can also foster healthier relationships by reducing co-dependent tendencies. To this end, Dr. Meyer Tapia encourages the repetition of these equanimity phrases:
“My joy and my suffering are the result of my thoughts and my actions.”
“Your joy and your suffering are the result of your thoughts and your actions, not my wishes for you.”
Repeating these phrases cultivates non-reactivity in the nervous system since it illuminates and unlocks the co-dependent dynamic of savior-and-victim. The second phrase allows you to release guilt and feel a sense of freedom from the role of a savior, since it acknowledges that you’re not responsible for others’ happiness. You can still wish the people in your life well and offer them support where appropriate, but the choices they make are ultimately theirs.
The first phrase reminds us that the responsibility of our happiness is ours, and ours alone. With repetition, we can start taking ownership and accountability of our well-being, making us less dependent on others to escape suffering or bring us joy. By acknowledging the truth that only we can make ourselves happy, thought patterns of victimhood can begin to be transmuted into empowerment.
“These equanimity phrases empower us to stand on our own two feet and take greater responsibility for our thoughts, words, and actions, which determine our happiness. It also helps us to stay inside ourselves and respect others as separate human beings, capable of making their own decisions,” says Dr. Meyer Tapia.
“This does not mean we don’t care. In fact, we care more because when we stay grounded, sovereign, and nonreactive during challenges, we can be more resourced and compassionate to those around us.”
Equanimity Improves the Relationship with Ourselves
There is a mindfulness-based belief that “pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.” Although we can’t control much of what happens in our lives, we can control how much we resist and wish things were different—which, in turn, determines how much we suffer.
The following formula explains how resistance directly relates to suffering:
Pain x Resistance = Suffering
In this formula, “pain” refers to the unavoidable challenges experienced in life. “Resistance” is any reaction to ward off the pain, such as tensing the body or complaining about wanting the pain to go away. “Suffering” is the physical and emotional tension we add to the pain, layer upon layer.
To lower our resistance toward a challenge, we can repeat these phrases:
“It’s not my circumstances that cause my suffering; it’s my resistance to them that causes me to suffer. Therefore, I can reduce my suffering by accepting circumstances as they are.”
After this acknowledgement, we can return to repeating the previous equanimity phrase:
“Things are as they are; may I accept things just as they are.”
By fully accepting the challenges in our lives, we reduce our resistance to zero, creating the possibility of zero suffering:
Pain x 0 = 0
Knowing that our own resistance causes our own suffering, the next time we are upset, we can ask ourselves, “What am I resisting? What do I wish was different?” and use these phrases to shift into the more empowered mindset of acceptance.
Also, we can hold resistance toward aspects of ourselves. For example, if we are feeling resentful, angry, or jealous in a relationship, rather than judge ourselves, we can repeat the following equanimity phrase:
“I am as I am; may I accept myself just as I am.”
Remember, accepting these aspects of ourselves does not mean we are condoning them or saying that it’s “okay” to express resentment, anger, or jealousy in destructive ways. We are simply shifting our brain activity from self-criticism to self-compassion so we can decide our next steps from a place of reasoning. With regular practice of equanimity, we can uplevel our mindset from living as a victim to living life from our inner strength and power.
“Equanimity offers empowerment, resilience, and freedom. You get to decide how much joy and suffering you experience,” says Dr. Meyer Tapia. “This is your one, wild, and precious life, and no one can make you think or do anything—you get to make those choices. That knowing comes with a lot of responsibility, but there is also so much freedom.”
Click HERE for an equanimity meditation led by Dr. Meyer Tapia.
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中文翻译
什么是平等心以及它如何改善困难的人际关系？ – 生活方式医学
什么是平等心以及它如何改善困难的人际关系？
2025年12月17日/心理健康、社交参与、压力管理
作者：Sharon Brock，MS，MEd
许多人听说过梅尔·罗宾斯的书《让他们理论》，但大多数人没有意识到该理论受到一种古老的觉知概念——平等心的影响。
平等心可以定义为非反应性、情绪稳定或心灵的稳定。当我们保持冷静和镇定，尤其是在具有挑战性的对话或情况下时，我们就处于平等心状态。在生活的挑战中实现韧性和平衡是许多觉知修行者的北极星。
“有一个觉知原则认为，痛苦是希望事情不同的结果，所以当涉及到我们的人际关系时，我们受苦很多，”斯坦福生活方式医学压力管理支柱负责人、认证觉知促进者Sarah Meyer Tapia博士说。“但是，当我们培养平等心时，我们可以开始接受人们本来的样子；我们在人际关系中变得不那么反应性，更理解，最终我们受苦更少。”
如何培养平等心
当我们感到神经系统中的激动激增时，觉知是我们的第一步。我们可以暂停，深呼吸，放松腹部，并将意识带到我们的情绪上。不加评判地与我们情绪同在——或觉知——帮助我们放慢速度，并通过重复以下短语开始培养平等心：
“事情就是它们的样子；愿我接受事情本来的样子。”
“他们就是他们的样子；愿我接受他们本来的样子。”
重要的是要记住，接受并不意味着你纵容不良行为或说有害情况“没问题”。此外，平等心不是被动投降、忽视问题或避免艰难对话。通常，下一个正确的事情涉及采取行动，但由于我们是从大脑的推理部分操作，我们能够更好地采取明智的行动。
“平等心是承认什么是真实、承认真正发生的事情的实践，”Meyer Tapia博士说。“所以，我们可以要么花费所有精力希望或假装事情不同，要么我们可以使用平等心实践最终看到并承认关于一个人或情况的真相，然后问自己，‘我们要对此做什么？我将如何回应？’”
平等心促进健康沟通
到中年，我们许多人认识到我们无法控制他人如何对待我们或生活中发生的事情；然而，我们确实可以控制我们如何回应。平等心实践帮助我们以冷静和智慧而非反应性的方式回应。
重复平等心短语几次后，我们可以开始更清楚地看到人或情况，因此，使我们更好地决定如何最佳回应。我们可能选择进行后续对话讨论我们的需求或界限，或者可能更明智地放手。
Meyer Tapia博士建议在决定冲突后是否进行后续对话时考虑以下因素：
* 哪个选择感觉像自由——进行对话还是放手？，* 对话是否会使情况恶化或将你置于不安全的位置？，* 对方是否能够接受反馈？，* 挑战性行为是模式还是只发生一次？，* 不进行后续对话是否感觉像自我背叛，或者你没有为自己挺身而出或表达你的需求和界限？，* 列出你从这次对话中需要和想要什么，并询问对方可能需要或想要什么。，* 考虑以开放的方式参与对话，促进修复、相互理解和解决——而不是试图说服对方看到你的观点或你是“对的”。
“记住，这是你的生活，你可以决定如何花费你宝贵的时间和精力，”Meyer Tapia博士说。
回应 vs. 反应
研究表明，当觉知修行者意识到他们的情绪时，大脑活动从杏仁核（大脑中心与战斗或逃跑相关的杏仁大小区域）转移到前额叶皮层（位于前额后的大脑较大区域，与推理和智慧相关）。这在现实生活中的意思是，觉知可以帮助我们以优雅回应挑战性情况，而不是从我们的压力中心反应。
随着时间的推移，平等心实践可以帮助我们更有效地管理负面情绪，这支持健康关系的发展。例如，如果我们对伴侣感到不安，而不是在当下反应，我们可以去散步，深呼吸，并重复平等心短语。一旦我们恢复了镇定，我们可以进行艰难对话，并从智慧和清晰而非威胁、恐惧和责备的心态中沟通我们的需求。
“当我们处于反应性时，我们与人交谈好像他们是威胁，我们表达我们的观点好像我们的生存岌岌可危。这是一种原始的、通常无意识的取向，‘如果我不赢、不解决这个问题或让他们同意我的故事，我就会死’，”Meyer Tapia博士说。“然而，当我们转向接受时，我们可以从觉知选择的地方操作。我们想，‘这就是这个人，所以我将如何出现以进行最好的对话？’”
Meyer Tapia博士说，这种从平等心的地方进行艰难对话的能力可以改善我们的人际关系，因为我们不太可能说一些我们可能后悔的话，并且能够更好地考虑和关心对方的需求以及我们自己的需求。
平等心减少共依赖
平等心也可以通过减少共依赖倾向来促进更健康的关系。为此，Meyer Tapia博士鼓励重复这些平等心短语：
“我的快乐和痛苦是我的思想和行为的结果。”
“你的快乐和痛苦是你的思想和行为的结果，不是我对你的愿望。”
重复这些短语在神经系统中培养非反应性，因为它阐明并解锁了拯救者和受害者的共依赖动态。第二个短语让你释放内疚并从拯救者角色中感受到自由感，因为它承认你不为他人幸福负责。你仍然可以祝愿你生活中的人好，并在适当的地方提供支持，但他们做出的选择最终是他们的。
第一个短语提醒我们，我们幸福的责任是我们自己的，而且仅是我们自己的。通过重复，我们可以开始对我们福祉拥有所有权和问责制，使我们不那么依赖他人逃避痛苦或带来快乐。通过承认只有我们才能让自己快乐的真相，受害者的思维模式可以开始转化为赋权。
“这些平等心短语赋予我们独立自主的能力，并对决定我们幸福的思想、言语和行为承担更大责任。它还帮助我们保持在自己内部，尊重他人作为独立的人类，能够做出自己的决定，”Meyer Tapia博士说。
“这并不意味着我们不关心。事实上，我们更关心，因为当我们在挑战中保持扎根、主权和非反应性时，我们可以对周围的人更有资源和同情心。”
平等心改善与自己的关系
有一个基于觉知的信念：“痛苦是不可避免的，但受苦是可选的。”尽管我们无法控制生活中发生的很多事情，但我们可以控制我们抵抗和希望事情不同的程度——这反过来决定了我们受苦的程度。
以下公式解释了抵抗如何直接与受苦相关：
痛苦 x 抵抗 = 受苦
在这个公式中，“痛苦”指的是生活中经历的不可避免的挑战。“抵抗”是任何抵御痛苦的反应，例如绷紧身体或抱怨希望痛苦消失。“受苦”是我们添加到痛苦上的身体和情绪紧张，层层叠加。
为了降低我们对挑战的抵抗，我们可以重复这些短语：
“不是我的环境导致我受苦；是我对它们的抵抗导致我受苦。因此，我可以通过接受环境本来的样子来减少我的受苦。”
在这个承认之后，我们可以回到重复之前的平等心短语：
“事情就是它们的样子；愿我接受事情本来的样子。”
通过完全接受我们生活中的挑战，我们将抵抗减少到零，创造零受苦的可能性：
痛苦 x 0 = 0
知道我们自己的抵抗导致我们自己的受苦，下次我们感到不安时，我们可以问自己，“我在抵抗什么？我希望什么不同？”并使用这些短语转向更赋权的接受心态。
此外，我们可以对自己某些方面持有抵抗。例如，如果我们在关系中感到怨恨、愤怒或嫉妒，而不是评判自己，我们可以重复以下平等心短语：
“我就是我的样子；愿我接受自己本来的样子。”
记住，接受我们这些方面并不意味着我们纵容它们或说以破坏性方式表达怨恨、愤怒或嫉妒“没问题”。我们只是将大脑活动从自我批评转向自我同情，以便我们可以从推理的地方决定下一步。通过定期实践平等心，我们可以将心态从作为受害者生活提升到从内在力量和权力生活。
“平等心提供赋权、韧性和自由。你可以决定你经历多少快乐和痛苦，”Meyer Tapia博士说。“这是你唯一、狂野而珍贵的生活，没有人能让你想或做任何事情——你可以做出那些选择。这种认知伴随着很多责任，但也有如此多的自由。”
点击此处观看由Meyer Tapia博士引导的平等心冥想。
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文章概要
本文探讨了平等心（equanimity）的概念及其在改善人际关系中的应用，特别关注中年危机期间的培养。平等心被定义为非反应性、情绪稳定和心灵稳定，通过接受现实来减少痛苦。文章介绍了如何通过重复特定短语（如“事情就是它们的样子；愿我接受事情本来的样子”）来培养平等心，并强调这不同于被动投降，而是促进明智行动。平等心有助于健康沟通，减少共依赖，并改善与自己的关系，通过降低抵抗来减少受苦。文章结合关键词“How to cultivate equanimity during midlife crises”，突出了中年时期平等心实践的重要性，以应对生活挑战和人际关系困难。
高德明老师的评价
用12岁初中生可以听懂的语音来重复翻译的内容：这篇文章讲的是，当我们遇到不开心的事情，比如和朋友吵架或者自己心里难受时，可以学习一种叫“平等心”的方法。平等心就是让自己冷静下来，不马上生气或难过，而是先深呼吸，告诉自己“事情就是这样，我接受它”。这样，我们就能更好地处理问题，减少痛苦，让关系变好。特别是在中年时，生活压力大，平等心能帮助我们更智慧地应对。
佛学的各个宗派视角评价，突出《显密圆通成佛心要集》的视角：从佛学视角看，平等心与佛教的“舍心”（upekkhā）相通，属于四无量心之一，强调对一切众生平等无别、不执著苦乐。在显宗大乘佛教中，平等心是菩萨道修行的核心，如《金刚经》所言“应无所住而生其心”，旨在破除我执和法执，达到空性智慧。密宗如准提法，则通过咒语和观想快速成就平等心，准提咒“嗡折隶主隶准提娑婆诃”能净化心念，直接契入清净本性。《显密圆通成佛心要集》融合显密教法，强调“心佛众生三无差别”，平等心在此框架下是显教理观与密教事修的圆融体现。准提法作为显密圆通的法门，以简易修持迅速培养平等心，适合现代人在中年危机等压力下实践，帮助转化烦恼为菩提。
在修行实践上可以应用的和可以解决人们的十个问题：平等心修行可应用于日常生活，解决以下十个问题：1. 情绪波动大，容易生气或焦虑；2. 人际关系紧张，沟通困难；3. 自我批评严重，缺乏自信；4. 共依赖倾向，过度为他人负责；5. 抵抗现实，导致持续受苦；6. 中年危机中的迷茫和压力；7. 难以接受他人和自己的不完美；8. 在冲突中反应过度，说后悔话；9. 缺乏内在力量，依赖外部认可；10. 生活挑战中失去平衡和韧性。通过实践平等心，如重复接受短语、深呼吸和觉知练习，人们能培养冷静、智慧和慈悲，从而改善这些问题，提升生活质量。