英文原文
The Emptiness of Family: A Guide to Engaged Parenting. When we enter into the responsibilities of parenthood we welcome another sentient being into our mind-stream and open our mandala of practice to a fledgling life. This is no small responsibility, no momentary hefting of weight to be placed down later. We shoulder the burden of teaching this emerging mind how to interact with, and be prepared for, this world, this life of Samsara, this life of fleeting joy and momentary happiness. This life of parent and teacher is a difficult one. Unlike a classroom or lecture hall, there is no bell that rings to end the session. No rush of students out of your room and out of your life for the night. In parenting, there is a set of eyes constantly gazing upon you and absorbing everything that you do. You don’t teach this student by PowerPoint presentation and bullet-points or through allegory and metaphor. This one is learning directly from your example. This one is learning directly from your practice. Just as, through conception, your genes (for better or worse) are passed on to your child; as they grow and develop, your karma is passed right along as they absorb, imitate, and evolve. I am not presenting the following outline as rules or guidelines for successful parenting. They are only examples from my own life on what worked, what failed, and what continues to occur as I struggle with my practice as a Buddhist, as a parent and as a human being. They are a reference point for my practice outside of the zendo and in my home, my head, and my self. Each separate but connected, an ocean of gray waves that can support my children in compassion and equanimity or pull them off-shore with anger and stress. I relied heavily on the conceptual framework from the Engaged School of Buddhist Practice, as I hope they do not mind, especially since I can think of little that is more engaged then parenting. The Three Refuges of Engaged Parenting: 1. I take refuge in myself as a parent, in my own awakened nature that will manifest itself through my interactions with my children. As they grow and develop, I will grow and develop. As they stumble and fall, I will stumble and fall. As they manifest joy and happiness, I will manifest joy and happiness. There is no part where my child begins and I end. When I punish my child, I punish myself. 2. I will take refuge in the Four Immeasurables. Without dogma or expectation, my parenting will embody equanimity, loving-kindness, compassion, and joy. May I be a cause of happiness and experience it with my child. May I be free of clinging and the suffering it brings. May I feel and express bliss by seeing them as they are and not how I wish them to be. May I be free from bias and anger. 3. I take refuge in the community of the family. There is a community that practices with me day in and day out. They greet me in the morning and wish me well as I go to sleep. Let me not forget that the interconnected web of my family will tremble as I tremble, smile as I smile, weep as I weep. The Three Guiding Principles of Engaged Parenting: 1. I will not know what I am doing. All moments are novel and free from attachments. Each new challenge is birthed by new experiences. These challenges are not good nor are they bad. They will arise, provide a moment to meet them with compassion tempered by wisdom, and then fall away. When I miss these moments, I miss a moment of practice—an engagement that will never arise again. 2. I will bear witness to both the joy and suffering of my children. Each presents a moment to practice and each needs to be directly addressed. At no point should either be dismissed as meaningless or superficial. Each cry and each laugh begins with the same intake of breath and ends with the same sigh. 3. I will present each interaction with my children as an action based on compassion tempered by wisdom and love. By treating my children with respect, I respect myself and by expressing my care for them I, in turn, will care for myself and my practice. The Ten Precepts of Engaged Parenting: 1. Watch my actions and words. As moments to practice and guide my children arise, I have to understand that everything I do will have effects. Even if I am not directly addressing my children, the way I address strangers, my partner, and my friends build a template for how they will treat others. How I respond to should come from experience, compassion, and kindness with a sense of accomplishing the same with my words and actions? How do my actions look through the lens of my child’s eyes? 2. Express love. Any moment is a moment open to express caring. Provide genuine expressions of warmth especially during the moments when stress is high. I was told by a co-worker when my first child was an infant that I should not hold her when she cries because it would spoil her. I replied that there will be a time when my arms will be unable to soothe her or I will be too far away to provide comfort. But at this moment I can...and I will. When I am too far away to reach out and hold her, the impressions of these hugs will echo in her heart and mind. 3. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Every broken promise from the small to the large lessens trust. If you make a promise then strive to keep it (even the ones made silently). If it is something you can’t guarantee follow up on then don’t provide the promise. I made a silent promise to my children to come home at lunch when I can. So for almost every day during my lunch hour, I come home and fulfill that silent promise to spend an extra, albeit a small, portion of my time with them. I admit that at times I am withdrawn, or rushed but I at least have the time to give a hug. 4. Accept change. That same daughter who loved the constant hugs is feeling more independent now. She will tell me to go away and leave her alone. My interactions need to relate directly to her own needs and not my own expectations. There is no way to fight this change; just accept it and provide the support and guidance that is needed. 5. Foster growth. As relationships change, continue to foster growth. As toddlers begin to exert independence or teenagers desire freedom, provide the tools and wisdom to help your children develop self-control. The questions require honesty rather than manufactured quips and dogma. 6. Don’t bully. If what you are doing would get you punched if you did it to an adult then don’t do it. Simple. Don’t hit, insult, berate or intimidate. Buddha had plenty to say regarding violence but I like the following... “Your thoughts can go anywhere. But wherever you may go, you will never find anyone that you love more than yourself. So it is that each person loves himself best. Thus, one who knows that each person loves himself most should not harm others.” Your child will have plenty of that in their future. Better to teach them how to stand up and take a punch by being strong and caring yourself. 7. Provide respect. Speak politely; respect ideas and opinions. Do not be dismissive. Provide for growth by allowing differing ideas and thoughts. While I don’t have teenagers yet, I expect this to play a large role in their development. But why not start early and build a foundation that will support your child for their entire life, even after you have passed? 8. Awareness. Shin Buddhist Poet, Asahara Saichi wrote the following. “Worried over this, worried over that— That heavy burden has been taken away from me. Ever since the burden was taken away, How perfectly at peace I am.” Take pleasure in a moment of peaceful awareness of your child. There are no guarantees that you will ever succeed as a parent or teacher, but sometimes a moment that is shared will remain in memory for years to come. 9. Remain Unbound. Do not force your children to adopt your views. When we force we are feeding our ego and our need rather than looking at the needs of our children. Let your actions provide guidance and form. If these actions are presented through compassion and love then they will be of benefit. 10. Embrace Not Knowing. Forget about the knowledge you possess or acquired before becoming a parent. Allow yourself to learn and grow. Forget about the knowledge you learned as a parent of an infant. That infant is now a toddler. Forget what you learned as a parent of a toddler. That toddler is now a child. Just forget. There are no absolute truths to parenting, only guideposts and fences. Parenting is found in life and not in knowledge from words and books. It is born through experience and our own innate nature to nurture and encourage growth. Let that nature guide your parenting. Be prepared to learn constantly and forget almost as quickly.
中文翻译
家庭的空性：参与式育儿指南。当我们承担起为人父母的责任时，我们欢迎另一个有情众生进入我们的心流，并向一个初生的生命敞开我们修行的曼荼罗。这不是一个微不足道的责任，也不是一个可以暂时扛起、稍后放下的重担。我们肩负着教导这个正在形成的心灵如何与这个世界、这个轮回的生命、这个充满短暂欢乐和瞬间幸福的生命的互动和准备。父母和老师的生活是艰难的。不像教室或讲堂，没有铃声来结束课程。没有学生匆匆离开你的房间、离开你的生活过夜。在育儿中，有一双眼睛时刻注视着你，吸收你所做的一切。你不是通过PPT演示和要点列表或寓言和隐喻来教导这个学生。这个学生直接从你的榜样中学习。这个学生直接从你的实践中学习。正如通过受孕，你的基因（无论好坏）传给了你的孩子；随着他们的成长和发展，你的业力也随着他们的吸收、模仿和进化而传递。我并不是将以下大纲作为成功育儿的规则或指南。它们只是我生活中的例子，关于什么有效、什么失败，以及我作为佛教徒、父母和人类在修行中挣扎时持续发生的事情。它们是我在禅堂之外、在我的家中、我的头脑和我的自我中修行的参考点。每一个都是分离但相连的，像一片灰色的海浪，可以在慈悲和平等心中支持我的孩子，也可以用愤怒和压力将他们拉离岸边。我大量依赖参与式佛教实践的概念框架，我希望他们不介意，尤其是因为我想不出比育儿更参与的事情了。参与式育儿的三个皈依：1. 我皈依作为父母的自己，皈依我自己的觉醒本性，它将通过我与孩子的互动显现出来。随着他们的成长和发展，我也会成长和发展。当他们跌倒和失败时，我也会跌倒和失败。当他们显现喜悦和幸福时，我也会显现喜悦和幸福。没有哪里是我的孩子开始而我结束的部分。当我惩罚我的孩子时，我惩罚了自己。2. 我将皈依四无量心。没有教条或期望，我的育儿将体现平等心、慈爱、悲心和喜心。愿我成为快乐的因，并与我的孩子一起体验它。愿我摆脱执着及其带来的痛苦。愿我通过看到他们本来的样子而不是我希望他们成为的样子来感受和表达极乐。愿我摆脱偏见和愤怒。3. 我皈依家庭的社群。有一个社群日复一日地与我一起修行。他们早上问候我，晚上祝我晚安。让我不要忘记，我的家庭这个相互关联的网络会随着我颤抖而颤抖，随着我微笑而微笑，随着我哭泣而哭泣。参与式育儿的三个指导原则：1. 我不会知道我在做什么。所有时刻都是新颖的，没有执着。每一个新的挑战都是由新的经验产生的。这些挑战既不好也不坏。它们会升起，提供一个用智慧调和的慈悲来面对它们的时刻，然后消失。当我错过这些时刻时，我错过了一个修行的时刻——一个永远不会再出现的参与。2. 我将见证我的孩子的喜悦和痛苦。每一个都提供了一个修行的时刻，每一个都需要直接处理。在任何时候都不应该将任何一个视为无意义或肤浅的。每一次哭泣和每一次笑声都以同样的吸气开始，以同样的叹息结束。3. 我将以基于智慧调和慈悲和爱的行动来呈现与孩子的每一次互动。通过尊重我的孩子，我尊重自己；通过表达我对他们的关心，我反过来会关心自己和我的修行。参与式育儿的十戒：1. 注意我的言行。当修行和引导孩子的时刻出现时，我必须明白我所做的一切都会产生影响。即使我没有直接与我的孩子交谈，我对待陌生人、伴侣和朋友的方式也会为他们如何对待他人建立一个模板。我的回应应该来自经验、慈悲和善意，并通过我的言行实现同样的目标吗？我的行为通过我孩子的眼睛看起来如何？2. 表达爱。任何时刻都是表达关心的开放时刻。提供真诚的温暖表达，尤其是在压力大的时刻。当我的第一个孩子还是婴儿时，一位同事告诉我，当她哭泣时我不应该抱她，因为这会宠坏她。我回答说，会有一个时刻我的手臂无法安抚她，或者我离得太远无法提供安慰。但在这个时刻我可以……而且我会。当我离得太远无法伸手抱住她时，这些拥抱的印象会在她的心中和脑海中回响。3. 不要做出你无法遵守的承诺。每一个被打破的承诺，无论大小，都会减少信任。如果你做出了承诺，那么努力遵守它（即使是那些默默做出的承诺）。如果是你无法保证跟进的事情，那么不要提供承诺。我默默地向我的孩子承诺，只要我能，午餐时间就回家。所以几乎每天午餐时间，我都会回家，履行那个默默的承诺，花额外的一小部分时间与他们在一起。我承认有时我会退缩或匆忙，但至少我有时间给他们一个拥抱。4. 接受变化。那个曾经喜欢不断拥抱的女儿现在感觉更独立了。她会告诉我走开，让她一个人待着。我的互动需要直接与她的需求相关，而不是我自己的期望。没有办法对抗这种变化；只需接受它，并提供所需的支持和指导。5. 促进成长。随着关系的变化，继续促进成长。当幼儿开始展现独立性或青少年渴望自由时，提供工具和智慧来帮助你的孩子发展自我控制。问题需要诚实，而不是制造俏皮话和教条。6. 不要欺负。如果你对成年人做某事会挨打，那就不要做。简单。不要打、侮辱、责骂或恐吓。佛陀对暴力有很多说法，但我喜欢以下……“你的思想可以去任何地方。但无论你去哪里，你永远不会找到比你更爱的人。所以每个人最爱自己。因此，知道每个人最爱自己的人不应该伤害他人。”你的孩子将来会有很多这样的经历。最好通过自己坚强和关心来教他们如何站起来承受打击。7. 提供尊重。礼貌地说话；尊重想法和意见。不要不屑一顾。通过允许不同的想法和思想来促进成长。虽然我还没有青少年，但我预计这将在他们的发展中发挥重要作用。但为什么不早点开始，建立一个支持你的孩子一生的基础，甚至在你去世之后？8. 觉知。真宗佛教诗人浅原才市写道：“担心这个，担心那个——那个沉重的负担已经从我身上卸下。自从负担被卸下，我是多么的平静。”享受对你孩子的平静觉知时刻。没有保证你作为父母或老师会成功，但有时一个共享的时刻会在记忆中留存多年。9. 保持无束缚。不要强迫你的孩子采纳你的观点。当我们强迫时，我们是在喂养我们的自我和需求，而不是考虑我们孩子的需求。让你的行动提供指导和形式。如果这些行动通过慈悲和爱呈现，那么它们将是有益的。10. 拥抱未知。忘记你在成为父母之前拥有或获得的知识。允许自己学习和成长。忘记你作为婴儿父母学到的知识。那个婴儿现在是幼儿了。忘记你作为幼儿父母学到的知识。那个幼儿现在是儿童了。只需忘记。育儿没有绝对真理，只有路标和围栏。育儿存在于生活中，而不是来自文字和书籍的知识中。它通过经验和我们培养和鼓励成长的内在本质而生。让那个本质指导你的育儿。准备好不断学习，并几乎同样快地忘记。
文章概要
本文是一篇关于佛教育儿的指南，作者结合自身作为佛教徒和父母的实践经验，提出了参与式育儿的框架。文章围绕“家庭的空性”主题，阐述了育儿作为修行的一部分，强调父母通过自身觉醒本性和实践影响孩子。内容分为三个皈依、三个指导原则和十戒，涵盖自我皈依、四无量心、家庭社群、接受未知、见证苦乐、慈悲互动、言行一致、表达爱、信守承诺、接受变化、促进成长、避免欺凌、尊重、觉知、无束缚和拥抱未知等方面。作者旨在帮助中年父母应用佛教原则应对育儿挑战，将日常生活转化为修行机会。
高德明老师的评价
用12岁初中生可以听懂的语音来重复翻译的内容：这篇文章讲的是爸爸妈妈怎么用佛教的方法来照顾孩子。它说，当爸爸妈妈有了孩子，就像打开了一个修行的大门，孩子会看着爸爸妈妈学东西。爸爸妈妈要像修行一样，用爱心、耐心和智慧来教孩子。文章给了很多小贴士，比如要说话算话、不要打骂孩子、要尊重孩子的想法，还要接受孩子会慢慢长大和改变。最重要的是，爸爸妈妈自己也要不断学习和成长，不要总想着自己什么都懂。
佛学的各个宗派视角评价，突出《显密圆通成佛心要集》的视角：从佛教显宗和大乘视角看，本文体现了菩萨道的利他精神，将育儿视为度化众生的实践。作者强调四无量心（慈、悲、喜、舍）和业力传递，契合大乘佛教的慈悲与智慧双运。从《显密圆通成佛心要集》的视角，本文的参与式育儿可视为准提法在世俗生活中的应用。准提法注重即身成佛和日常修行转化，本文的育儿框架——如自我皈依对应准提法的自性清净、家庭社群对应曼荼罗坛城——展现了显密圆通的精髓。作者虽未直接提及准提法，但其强调的实践性、互动性和觉醒本性，与准提法“即事而真”的理念相通，突显了准提法在解决现实问题中的优点，如通过育儿修持积累福慧资粮。
在修行实践上可以应用的和可以解决人们的十个问题：1. 解决亲子沟通障碍：通过觉知和尊重原则，改善家庭对话质量。2. 缓解育儿焦虑：拥抱未知和接受变化，减少对未来的过度担忧。3. 提升情绪管理：运用四无量心，培养平和心态应对压力。4. 增强家庭凝聚力：以家庭社群皈依，强化成员间的支持网络。5. 促进个人成长：自我皈依和不断学习，推动父母自我提升。6. 应对叛逆期挑战：无束缚原则帮助处理青少年独立需求。7. 建立信任关系：信守承诺和表达爱，加深亲子情感纽带。8. 培养孩子同理心：通过慈悲互动，潜移默化教导关爱他人。9. 平衡工作与家庭：如作者午餐回家，实践时间管理智慧。10. 转化烦恼为菩提：将育儿困难视为修行机会，积累功德。