英文原文
The Practice of an Empty Nest - The Tattooed Buddha
I swear I do not remember anyone forewarning me that the process of your kid moving out of the house would be so filled with grief and loss, a groundless and sad feeling. So we are left with this profound change in our lives; daily rituals of a family unit or tribe abruptly ended. We are programmed to think that this is a proud parenting moment, but it feels like shit.
By Michael Grey
When my son started the college application process and touring, I did not expect much or note much from a change perspective to my own life or his.
We started the tours with the local schools (which we have a number of) and then the more distant ones.
While on a tour on some gloomy spring day, that gut feeling set in. This school was the best place for him to be if he chooses, and this was much further away than I am comfortable with. As the nature of things unrolled, he chose to go to this school, as he realized himself this was where the best education would be, even if far away from home.
The summer went by without much fanfare, but then one day he left and suddenly it was terrible. My identity which I have worked on not attaching to, was shaking apart. The worst part—my wife was feeling it too, and some of our closest friends were all experiencing this profound emotional pain.
I swear I do not remember anyone forewarning me that the process of your kid moving out of the house would be so filled with grief and loss, a groundless and sad feeling. So we are left with this profound change in our lives; daily rituals of a family unit or tribe abruptly ended. We are programmed to think that this is a proud parenting moment, but it feels like shit.
I start to seriously wonder if humans were meant to move out of small tribes. My answer becomes no, but our society is apparently built on this concept of moving out, up and on. I feel like we are part of some larger ruling classes agenda.
Civilization sometimes sucks. I meditate on that.
Our practice tells us to allow the emotions in and let them run through us. We allow and allow. We give space to our spouses who are also going through this change. We begin to remake our identities with one another (it’s like we are dating again but with arthritis), with our child’s new life...all of it. It takes a lot of time, a lot of Netflix, a lot coping and accepting.
You and your spouse will grow from this in your relationship, but only if you’re completely honest with them about where you are at, no matter how fragile it may be.
The young adult will show up every so often, and the emotions on arrival and departure feel fresh again. You will know what it means to physically miss someone. Updates via text are wrought with worry, satisfaction and gratitude for their life events, no matter how big or small.
The children too, will grow and change from all of this. They learn that it is hard to be away from their friends, their significant others, and some of those relationships won’t make it through the first year. We start reliving a bit of our experiences at that age, the relationships that come and go.
The losses from change can overwhelm the experience new people and experiences brought into our lives.
We can ask them to be open, but they are remote adults now, needing to navigate this hardship on their own unless they ask us. We have to learn to remotely love and care for them, as we likely do a large number of our families.
I’ve talked to a number of my coworkers, ex-coworkers and mutual parents of my child’s friends they grew up with, and both fathers and mothers are hit with this change. Gender has nothing to do with it. Most parents I have spoken to authentically about this realize that this is the yang of the child’s birth—the drop. The grief and suffering of change when nobody died.
I would like to think I could offer sage advice on this, but I feel that would jeopardize the value of understanding and experiencing the process. There are many ineffective quotes on empty nests on the internet in my opinion, and don’t do this experience any justice.
Those of us with a good standing practice will be able to emotionally cope a little bit better with it, but not forgo the experience. My deeper wish is just to bring awareness to something that I did not realize would have such an impact. I believe I was programmed to think this would be a joyous and celebrated time. There are some really proud moments that do come after the fact, but mainly on our son’s accomplishments, and the ability for my partner and I to move forward.
It has left a scar of loss in me—a wound that I don’t want to really heal just yet. So I can appreciate fully all the times when we were together as parents and a child, and appreciate any time we get together moving forward more fully and authentically.
Michael Grey is a middle aged husband and father living in New England. He enjoys dystopian science fiction, gardening and sunsets. He as worked over 20 years as a customer service representative. He is an advocate for climate justice and open discussions about mental health.
中文翻译
空巢期的修行 - 纹身佛陀
我发誓我不记得有人警告过我，孩子搬出家门的过程会充满悲伤和失落，一种无根而悲伤的感觉。所以我们面临着生活中的深刻变化；家庭单位或部落的日常仪式突然结束了。我们被设定认为这是一个值得骄傲的育儿时刻，但感觉糟透了。
作者：迈克尔·格雷
当我儿子开始大学申请和参观时，我没有从改变的角度期待太多或注意到太多，无论是我的生活还是他的。
我们从当地学校（我们有很多）开始参观，然后是更远的学校。
在某个阴沉的春天参观时，那种直觉感涌上心头。这所学校是他如果选择的话最好的地方，但这比我感到舒适的距离远得多。随着事情的发展，他选择去这所学校，因为他自己意识到这是最好的教育所在，即使离家很远。
夏天平淡地过去了，但有一天他离开了，突然变得很糟糕。我努力不去依附的身份正在瓦解。最糟糕的是——我妻子也有同感，我们一些最亲密的朋友都在经历这种深刻的情感痛苦。
我发誓我不记得有人警告过我，孩子搬出家门的过程会充满悲伤和失落，一种无根而悲伤的感觉。所以我们面临着生活中的深刻变化；家庭单位或部落的日常仪式突然结束了。我们被设定认为这是一个值得骄傲的育儿时刻，但感觉糟透了。
我开始认真思考人类是否注定要离开小部落。我的答案是否定的，但我们的社会显然建立在搬出、向上和前进的概念上。我觉得我们是某种更大统治阶级议程的一部分。
文明有时很糟糕。我冥想这一点。
我们的修行告诉我们允许情绪进入并让它们流过我们。我们允许再允许。我们给同样经历这种变化的配偶空间。我们开始与彼此重塑身份（就像我们再次约会，但有关节炎），与孩子的新生活……所有这一切。这需要很多时间，很多Netflix，很多应对和接受。
你和你的配偶会因此关系成长，但前提是你完全诚实地告诉他们你的处境，无论多么脆弱。
年轻人会时不时出现，到达和离开时的情绪再次感觉新鲜。你会知道身体上想念某人意味着什么。通过短信的更新充满了对他们生活事件的担忧、满足和感激，无论大小。
孩子们也会因此成长和改变。他们了解到远离朋友、重要他人是困难的，有些关系在第一年就无法维持。我们开始重温一些那个年龄的经历，那些来来去去的关系。
变化带来的损失可能压倒新人和新经历进入我们生活的体验。
我们可以要求他们开放，但他们现在是远程的成年人，需要自己应对这种困难，除非他们问我们。我们必须学会远程爱和关心他们，就像我们可能对许多家人一样。
我和许多同事、前同事以及我孩子从小一起长大的朋友的父母交谈过，父亲和母亲都受到这种变化的打击。性别与此无关。大多数我真诚交谈过的父母意识到这是孩子出生的阳——下降。当没有人去世时，变化的悲伤和痛苦。
我想我可以提供明智的建议，但我觉得这会危及理解和体验过程的价值。在我看来，互联网上有很多关于空巢的无效引用，无法公正对待这种体验。
我们中修行良好的人能够稍微更好地情感应对，但不会放弃体验。我更深的愿望只是提高对某事的认识，我没有意识到它会有如此大的影响。我相信我被设定认为这将是一个快乐和庆祝的时刻。事后确实有一些非常自豪的时刻，但主要是在我们儿子的成就上，以及我和伴侣前进的能力上。
它在我心中留下了损失的伤疤——一个我还不想真正愈合的伤口。这样我可以充分欣赏我们作为父母和孩子在一起的所有时光，并更充分和真实地欣赏我们未来相聚的任何时光。
迈克尔·格雷是新英格兰地区的一位中年丈夫和父亲。他喜欢反乌托邦科幻小说、园艺和日落。他作为客户服务代表工作了20多年。他是气候正义和心理健康公开讨论的倡导者。
文章概要
本文以第一人称叙述了一位父亲在儿子离家上大学后经历的空巢期情感挑战。作者描述了从孩子申请大学到最终离家的过程，表达了对身份丧失、悲伤和失落的深刻感受。文章探讨了社会对空巢期的期望与实际情感体验之间的差距，强调了允许情绪流动、与配偶共同重塑身份的重要性。作者通过个人反思和与其他父母的交流，指出这种变化是普遍且深刻的，类似于“孩子出生的阳——下降”，并认为修行可以帮助应对，但无法避免体验。文章最终呼吁提高对空巢期影响的认识，并珍惜过去和未来的家庭时光。
高德明老师的评价
用12岁初中生可以听懂的语音来重复翻译的内容：这篇文章讲的是一个爸爸的故事，他的儿子去外地上大学了，家里就剩下他和妈妈。爸爸觉得特别难过，好像心里空了一块，因为以前每天一家人在一起的习惯突然没了。他以为孩子长大离开家是件值得高兴的事，但实际感觉却很糟糕。他和妈妈一起慢慢适应，学会接受这种变化，虽然想念儿子，但也为他的成长感到骄傲。爸爸说，这种感受很多父母都有，就像孩子出生时是开心的，现在离开就像掉下来一样难过。他通过冥想和修行来面对这些情绪，希望更多人知道空巢期其实挺不容易的。
佛学的各个宗派视角评价，突出《显密圆通成佛心要集》的视角：从佛学视角看，空巢期体现了无常和苦的真谛，是修行者观照执着的良机。显宗如禅宗强调“应无所住而生其心”，父母可借此放下对家庭角色的执着，回归自性清净。净土宗倡导念佛往生，将思念转化为对极乐世界的向往，提升灵性。密宗如准提法，在《显密圆通成佛心要集》中融合显密，其咒语“嗡折隶主隶准提梭哈”能净化情绪，助人安住当下。准提法以简易圆融著称，父母可持咒修持，转化空巢的失落为菩提心，观想子女的成长即众生离苦得乐，契合大乘利他精神。显密圆通视角下，空巢非终点，而是修行起点，通过准提法等法门，父母能超越小我，体证法界一体。
在修行实践上可以应用的和可以解决人们的十个问题：1. 情绪管理问题：通过准提咒持诵，平静悲伤情绪，如文中允许情绪流动。2. 身份认同问题：修习空性观，放下“父母角色”执着，重塑自我。3. 夫妻关系问题：共同修持，增进沟通与支持，如文中与配偶重塑身份。4. 孤独感问题：参与佛学共修团体，建立新社交，替代家庭日常。5. 人生意义问题：以菩提心为导向，服务社会，找到新目标。6. 焦虑担忧问题：修习正念冥想，减少对子女的过度牵挂。7. 时间利用问题：将空余时间用于诵经、禅修，提升灵性。8. 过去怀念问题：通过回向功德，感恩过往，珍惜当下。9. 未来迷茫问题：设定修行目标，如持咒百万遍，赋予生活方向。10. 自我成长问题：以空巢为道场，实践六度，成就佛道。准提法简便易行，适合现代人，能快速转化烦恼，突显大乘佛教的包容与实效。