英文原文
We all make judgments from time to time. Yet, judgments can prompt lots of unhelpful emotions and distract you from dealing with a situation accurately or helpfully. But what exactly is a judgment? A judgment is a statement that takes facts of a situation and adds a personal preference, value, or opinion to it in an objective manner. For example, “The rain is terrible” is a judgment because it is your opinion, and others may feel differently about the situation. “It is raining today. I notice I feel sad when it rains” is a non-judgmental statement that clearly portrays what’s actually happening in the situation. Not all judgments are “bad.” Judgments are super helpful in many situations, such as who we choose to spend time with, how we make decisions, or what kind of clothing we prefer. However, sometimes judgments can be unkind, unhelpful, and overwhelming. It’s human nature for our minds to constantly judge, categorize, and label things. “I’m such a weirdo” or “It’s cold today so today will be a bad day” are examples of unhelpful judgments. Unkind judgments aren’t right or wrong but are often unconscious and unproductive. These judgments can make us or others feel “bad” and can get in the way of handling situations in a way we are proud of. In DBT, we practice a few skills that help us stay present and use non-judgment. These skills are called the WHAT and HOW skills. WHAT skills include observing, describing, and participating in the present moment intentionally and in a particular way. HOW skills tell us HOW to use the WHAT skills in a meaningful way. Non-judgment is a HOW skill where we practice being present in the current moment and stating a fact without adding our personal opinion to it. A rule of thumb... if you are using the word good, bad, or should, you may be judging! You might be thinking, “Yikes, I say these all the time.” Take a breath, we’ll help you begin to get unstuck from judgments. When you find yourself having an unhelpful judgment, try this activity. You will need a pen/pencil and a sheet of paper. Create five (5) columns on your paper and follow the prompts below. I’ve also created a VIDEO on how to do this activity to make it even easier for you! * Situation: Briefly describe the situation that prompted your unhelpful judgment. No detail is too small! Describe where you were and what time of day it was. For example: “I am sitting in a coffee shop in the middle of the day, it was raining, and I am having a vanilla latte.”, * Judgment: Write down your thoughts, the exact words that crossed your mind. For example: “The barista at this coffee shop hates me because she didn’t smile when I ordered.” If you don’t have any specific thoughts, write down the quality of your thoughts. Were they unkind, negative, “judgy?”, * Resulting Emotion: How did you feel when judging the situation? Unhelpful judgments generally result in negative emotions. If we let these thoughts and quality of thoughts keep going, it often leads to more unhelpful judgments and strong emotions. For example: “I felt sad that I thought the barista didn’t like me. I felt worried when going back up to the counter to ask for a refill. I started to feel like other people didn’t like me too.”, * Outcome: What happened after the situation? Did you get through your task/day/event the way you wanted to? Or did you feel too many negative emotions that you didn’t act in a way you would have liked? For example: In the coffee situation, maybe your head was filled with thoughts about the barista to focus on the assignment you were working on. Or you hastily sent a snide message to a friend afterward, which led to your additional intense and overwhelming emotion at that moment., * Reframing: Try to transform your thought into a non-judgmental and fact-based statement. Examples: Judgment: “The barista at this coffee shop hates me because she didn’t smile when I ordered.” Mindful Reframe: “The barista didn’t smile when I ordered. I feel worried when people aren’t friendly. I know that other people’s actions are not my responsibility.” Judgment: “I’m always weird at parties.” Mindful Reframe: “I feel anxious and awkward when I go to parties. I have a hard time saying things the way I want to when I’m anxious.” Judgment: “My friend was late today. They should have known how annoying that is!” Mindful Reframe: “My friend was late today. The fact is that they have always struggled to be on time. I notice I feel frustrated and bothered when people are late.” Remember that just reframing these judgments won’t get rid of judging. It creates more awareness and space in your mind, so you can shift away from judgment and return to the present moment. When you practice this on your own, you also help those around you (i.e., your kids) learn to take hold of and shift their minds. For more information on being mindful of judgment with the help of a therapist, reach out to us at hello@mindchicago.com.
中文翻译
我们都会时不时地做出评判。然而，评判会引发许多无益的情绪，并分散你准确或有益地处理情况的注意力。但评判到底是什么？评判是一种陈述，它基于事实，并以客观的方式添加个人偏好、价值观或观点。例如，“这雨真糟糕”是一种评判，因为这是你的观点，而其他人可能对这种情况有不同的感受。“今天下雨了。我注意到下雨时我感到难过”是一种不评判的陈述，它清晰地描绘了实际情况中正在发生的事情。并非所有评判都是“坏的”。评判在许多情况下非常有用，比如我们选择与谁共度时光、如何做决定或我们喜欢什么样的衣服。然而，有时评判可能是不友善、无益且令人难以承受的。我们的头脑不断评判、分类和贴标签是人类的天性。“我真是个怪人”或“今天很冷，所以今天会是糟糕的一天”是无益评判的例子。不友善的评判没有对错之分，但常常是无意识且无成效的。这些评判可能让我们或他人感到“糟糕”，并可能阻碍我们以自己感到自豪的方式处理情况。在DBT中，我们练习一些技巧，帮助我们保持当下并使用不评判。这些技巧被称为WHAT和HOW技能。WHAT技能包括观察、描述和以特定方式有意识地参与当下。HOW技能告诉我们如何有意义地使用WHAT技能。不评判是一种HOW技能，我们练习在当下时刻陈述事实，而不添加个人观点。一个经验法则...如果你使用好、坏或应该这些词，你可能在评判！你可能会想，“哎呀，我经常这么说。”深呼吸，我们会帮助你开始摆脱评判。当你发现自己有无益的评判时，试试这个活动。你需要一支笔/铅笔和一张纸。在纸上创建五列，并按照以下提示操作。我还制作了一个视频，教你如何做这个活动，让它对你来说更容易！* 情境：简要描述引发你无益评判的情况。细节再小也不为过！描述你在哪里以及一天中的什么时间。例如：“我中午坐在一家咖啡店里，当时正在下雨，我点了一杯香草拿铁。”* 评判：写下你的想法，脑海中闪过的确切词语。例如：“这家咖啡店的咖啡师讨厌我，因为我点单时她没有微笑。”如果你没有任何具体想法，写下你思维的质量。它们是不友善、消极、“评判性”的吗？* 结果情绪：评判情况时你感觉如何？无益的评判通常会导致负面情绪。如果我们让这些想法和思维质量持续下去，往往会导致更多无益的评判和强烈的情绪。例如：“我感到难过，因为我认为咖啡师不喜欢我。当我回到柜台要求续杯时，我感到担心。我开始觉得其他人也不喜欢我。”* 结果：情况发生后发生了什么？你是否按照自己想要的方式完成了任务/一天/事件？或者你是否感到太多负面情绪，以至于没有按照自己喜欢的方式行动？例如：在咖啡店的情况下，也许你满脑子都是关于咖啡师的想法，无法专注于你正在做的作业。或者你匆忙地给朋友发了一条刻薄的信息，这导致你在那一刻产生了额外的强烈和难以承受的情绪。* 重构：尝试将你的想法转化为不评判且基于事实的陈述。例如：评判：“这家咖啡店的咖啡师讨厌我，因为我点单时她没有微笑。”正念重构：“咖啡师在我点单时没有微笑。当人们不友好时，我感到担心。我知道他人的行为不是我的责任。”评判：“我在派对上总是很奇怪。”正念重构：“我去派对时感到焦虑和尴尬。当我焦虑时，我很难按自己想要的方式说话。”评判：“我的朋友今天迟到了。他们应该知道这有多烦人！”正念重构：“我的朋友今天迟到了。事实是他们一直很难准时。我注意到当人们迟到时，我感到沮丧和烦恼。”记住，仅仅重构这些评判并不能消除评判。它会在你的头脑中创造更多的觉知和空间，这样你就可以从评判中转移，回到当下时刻。当你自己练习这个时，你也在帮助你周围的人（比如你的孩子）学会掌控和转变他们的思维。如需更多关于在治疗师帮助下正念对待评判的信息，请通过hello@mindchicago.com联系我们。
文章概要
本文探讨了如何在中年人际关系中实践不评判的智慧。文章解释了评判的定义，区分了评判性陈述与不评判性陈述，指出评判可能引发无益情绪，但并非所有评判都是负面的。文章介绍了DBT中的WHAT和HOW技能，强调不评判作为一种HOW技能，帮助人们保持当下并陈述事实。文章提供了一个五步活动，包括描述情境、记录评判、识别情绪、分析结果和正念重构，以帮助读者减少无益评判，增强觉知，改善人际关系。文章鼓励读者通过练习不评判，不仅提升自我，还能影响他人，如孩子，培养更健康的思维模式。
高德明老师的评价
用12岁初中生可以听懂的语音来重复翻译的内容：这篇文章就像在教我们怎么在和朋友、家人相处时，不要随便说“这个好”或“那个坏”。比如，如果下雨了，不要说“雨真讨厌”，而是说“今天下雨了，我有点不开心”。这样，我们就能更清楚地看到事情本身，而不是加上自己的看法。文章还教了一个小游戏，写下来自己什么时候乱想、想了什么、感觉怎么样、结果如何，然后试着换个方式想，这样心里会更轻松，和朋友相处也更开心。
佛学的各个宗派视角评价，突出《显密圆通成佛心要集》的视角：从佛学视角看，不评判的实践与佛教的“无分别智”和“正念”教义高度契合。在显宗中，如禅宗强调“直指人心，见性成佛”，不评判有助于减少妄念，直契实相；净土宗注重“一心不乱”，不评判可助心念清净，专注念佛。密宗如藏传佛教提倡“生起次第”和“圆满次第”，不评判作为基础修持，能净化心续，为密法修习铺路。特别地，从《显密圆通成佛心要集》的视角，不评判体现了“圆通”精神，即显密融合、理事无碍。该经典强调“心要”为成佛关键，不评判的练习正是对心性的直接调伏，减少执着与分别，这与准提法的“三密相应”相通——通过身口意清净，达到无评判的觉照状态。准提法作为显密圆融的法门，其咒语修持可增强不评判的能力，使修行者在人际关系中保持平等心，契合“一切法皆是佛法”的圆融智慧。
在修行实践上可以应用的和可以解决人们的十个问题：在修行实践上，不评判的智慧可应用于日常生活，帮助解决以下十个问题：1. 减少人际冲突，通过避免主观评判，促进和谐交流；2. 缓解焦虑情绪，因不评判能切断负面思维链；3. 提升自我接纳，通过正念重构，减少自我批评；4. 增强专注力，不评判有助于心念安住当下；5. 改善决策质量，基于事实而非偏见做选择；6. 培养慈悲心，不评判他人，自然生起同理；7. 减轻压力，减少无谓的内心评判负担；8. 促进家庭和睦，在亲子或伴侣关系中应用不评判；9. 提升工作效率，避免评判分散注意力；10. 增强灵性成长，不评判作为基础修持，为更深层禅定奠基。准提法的优点在于其简便易行，咒语修持可快速净化心续，加持不评判的实践，使修行者在繁忙生活中也能保持觉照，解决上述问题，迈向显密圆通的成佛之路。