英文原文
Dealing with Disappointment
“The size of your success is measured by the strength of your desire; the size of your dream; and how you handle disappointment along the way.” – Robert Kiyosaki
We all know the feeling of disappointment. Sometimes it is experienced as an emotional blow to the stomach, taking your breath away. Other times it might make your throat become tight with a wave of nausea passing over you. Whatever the subjective emotional experience is like for you, disappointment can range from letting go of mild hopes to crushing your deepest life’s dream. No matter what form disappointment may take for you in any given situation, how you choose to handle that emotional experience makes all the difference between becoming more resilient and learning important lessons or deciding to give up on future happiness or success.
People who experience disappointment are at a greater risk for physical and psychological problems, such as headaches, gastrointestinal issues, and chronic stress or fatigue. Disappointment can be truly debilitating when it takes you by surprise and you are not emotionally prepared to meet the experience of disappointment from a centered place of mindfulness. Sometimes disappointment catches you by surprise – the slightest comment or indication that something you hoped for may not be true or may not happen can be crushing. Other times, disappointment is the final puzzle piece in a long chain of events leading toward something that you have been working very hard to obtain.
Much of the time, disappointment is the result of your thoughts, wishes, and dreams being disconnected from reality. Perhaps your hopes and expectations are too great for others to meet your standards. High expectations that are unmet are swiftly followed by intense disappointment. It is important to realize that often we believe that our own expectations are not “too high” although they are experienced as unrealistic by others. It is helpful to regularly check in with trusted others to see if they view your expectations as realistic, reasonable, and attainable. For example, perfectionists commonly set high standards for themselves and their loved ones.
If you find that you repeatedly experience disappointment in your life, it is possible that you tend to experience issues with distorted thinking or irrational thoughts. We all employ cognitive distortions, but when they begin to take over your life, interfere with your functioning, and replace realistic and rational thinking, there may be a problem. The good news is that you can change faulty patterns of thinking through Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and mindfulness-based approaches to treatment, such as Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT).
Mindfulness Exercise: Dealing with Disappointment
Things you can do in this present moment to deal with disappointment:
(1) Shift Expectations
You can choose to alter your expectations of the person, the situation, or yourself to deal with disappointment. It may feel sad in some way to alter your expectations, but realize that letting go of expectations that may not be realistic is in your best interest. If you hold yourself, another person, or an event to an unattainable standard, then you are bound for disappointment. It is important to hold realistically high standards in the pursuit of your goals. The tricky part is learning how to tell the difference between the two. Talk with your spouse, a family member, or a close friend about your expectations and mindfully notice their reactions. Try putting your expectations into words on paper – seeing your actual expectations may be a wake-up call.
(2) Stop Ruminating
Rumination, or excessively dwelling on negative thoughts and feelings, has been shown to prolong negative emotional states and result in very little positive problem-solving. It may feel “good” in some way to sit around and stew over what is bothering you or disappointing you, but you must realize that this is a choice. You do not “have to” ruminate. If you do ruminate, look within and ask yourself what real benefits it is giving you. Perhaps, in that moment, the choice to ruminate is preventing you from saying something you will later regret, which can be positive. Whatever the true reason is, it is your choice.
(3) Communicate Effectively
Disappointment is often unnecessarily intensified and prolonged due to poor or absent communication. If you struggle with interpersonal communication skills, consider the possibility that your emotional state of disappointment may be unfounded. It is quite possible that if you made the choice to clearly and directly communicate with the source of your disappointment in an open and vulnerable manner that you would feel quite differently than you do right now. Ask yourself if you have used mindfulness and effective interpersonal skills to gather all of the information necessary to assess the situation. Always remember that you cannot control the thoughts, feelings, or behaviors of others... only your own.
(4) Release Attachments
Disappointment is one form of human suffering. The path out of suffering is to let go of your attachment to desired outcomes. The more tightly that you cling to your need for things to turn out in a certain way, the greater your level of disappointment (and suffering) will be. You can begin to identify the things that you are strongly attached to in this way... imagine the first person, event, or material object that comes to mind. Now imagine that you cannot be with that person, have the desired outcome at that event, or have/keep that material object. What reaction do you have to this imagined loss?
The degree of response that we have to the notion of not being able to have or do something represents our level of attachment to that person, event, or thing. Letting go of attachments doesn’t have to mean that you “don’t care” – ambivalence would be an excuse or a way to check out (i.e., it is not being mindful). Imagine being able to enjoy, appreciate, and love the positive people, events, and things in your life without being so fixated on them that their presence in your life creates suffering. Recognize that all things that we are capable of experiencing with our physical senses are impermanent. Be present in the moment with all things and let go of your need to cling tight to them in order to let go of unnecessary suffering.
中文翻译
应对失望
“成功的规模取决于你欲望的强度、梦想的大小，以及你如何处理途中的失望。”——罗伯特·清崎
我们都知道失望的感觉。有时它像是对胃部的情感打击，让你喘不过气来。其他时候，它可能让你的喉咙发紧，一阵恶心感袭来。无论对你来说主观情感体验如何，失望的范围可以从放弃微小的希望到粉碎你最深的人生梦想。无论失望在任何特定情况下对你采取何种形式，你选择如何处理这种情感体验，决定了是变得更有韧性并学习重要教训，还是决定放弃未来的幸福或成功。
经历失望的人面临更大的身心问题风险，如头痛、胃肠道问题以及慢性压力或疲劳。当失望让你措手不及，你没有从正念的中心位置做好情感准备来面对失望体验时，失望可能真的会让人衰弱。有时失望会让你感到意外——最轻微的评论或迹象表明你希望的事情可能不真实或不会发生，这可能是毁灭性的。其他时候，失望是一长串事件中的最后一块拼图，这些事件导致你一直努力想要获得的东西。
很多时候，失望是你的思想、愿望和梦想与现实脱节的结果。也许你的希望和期望太高，别人无法达到你的标准。未满足的高期望很快会带来强烈的失望。重要的是要意识到，我们常常认为自己的期望“不太高”，尽管别人觉得它们不切实际。定期与值得信赖的人交流，看看他们是否认为你的期望是现实、合理和可实现的，这很有帮助。例如，完美主义者通常为自己和所爱的人设定高标准。
如果你发现自己在生活中反复经历失望，你可能倾向于经历扭曲思维或不合理思想的问题。我们都使用认知扭曲，但当它们开始接管你的生活、干扰你的功能并取代现实和理性思维时，可能就有问题了。好消息是，你可以通过认知行为疗法（CBT）和基于正念的治疗方法（如接纳与承诺疗法（ACT））来改变错误的思维模式。
正念练习：应对失望
你可以在当下处理失望的事情：
(1) 转变期望
你可以选择改变对他人、情况或自己的期望来处理失望。改变期望可能在某些方面感到悲伤，但要意识到放弃可能不现实的期望符合你的最佳利益。如果你将自己、他人或事件坚持到无法达到的标准，那么你注定会失望。在追求目标时，保持现实的高标准很重要。棘手的部分是学会如何区分两者。与配偶、家人或亲密朋友谈论你的期望，并正念地注意他们的反应。尝试将你的期望写在纸上——看到你实际的期望可能是一个警醒。
(2) 停止反刍
反刍，或过度沉溺于负面思想和感受，已被证明会延长负面情绪状态，并导致很少的积极问题解决。在某些方面，坐着纠结于困扰你或让你失望的事情可能感觉“很好”，但你必须意识到这是一种选择。你“不必”反刍。如果你确实反刍，向内看，问问自己它给你带来了什么真正的好处。也许，在那一刻，选择反刍可以防止你说出一些你以后会后悔的话，这可能是积极的。无论真正原因是什么，这都是你的选择。
(3) 有效沟通
失望常常由于沟通不畅或缺乏沟通而不必要地加剧和延长。如果你在人际沟通技巧上挣扎，考虑一下你的失望情绪状态可能没有根据的可能性。很可能，如果你选择以开放和脆弱的方式与失望的来源清晰直接地沟通，你的感受会与现在大不相同。问问自己是否使用了正念和有效的人际技巧来收集评估情况所需的所有信息。永远记住，你无法控制他人的思想、感受或行为……只能控制自己的。
(4) 释放执着
失望是人类痛苦的一种形式。摆脱痛苦的道路是放下对期望结果的执着。你越紧紧抓住需要事情以某种方式发生的需求，你的失望（和痛苦）水平就越高。你可以开始识别你以这种方式强烈执着的事物……想象第一个浮现在脑海中的人、事件或物质对象。现在想象你不能和那个人在一起，不能在那个事件中获得期望的结果，或不能拥有/保留那个物质对象。你对这种想象中的损失有什么反应？
我们对无法拥有或做某事的观念的反应程度，代表了我们对该人、事件或事物的执着水平。放下执着不一定意味着你“不在乎”——矛盾心理会是一个借口或一种逃避方式（即，这不是正念）。想象能够享受、欣赏和热爱生活中积极的人、事件和事物，而不至于如此执着于它们，以至于它们在你生活中的存在造成痛苦。认识到我们能够通过物理感官体验的所有事物都是无常的。与所有事物一起活在当下，放下紧紧抓住它们的需求，以摆脱不必要的痛苦。
文章概要
本文探讨了如何运用正念应对失望，特别是中年时期的期望与失望管理。文章指出失望是常见的情感体验，可能导致身心问题，并强调失望常源于期望与现实脱节。作者提供了四个正念练习策略：转变期望、停止反刍、有效沟通和释放执着，以帮助读者从失望中学习并增强韧性。文章结合心理学方法如认知行为疗法和接纳与承诺疗法，强调通过正念减少痛苦并促进成长。
高德明老师的评价
用12岁初中生可以听懂的语音来重复翻译的内容
这篇文章讲的是当我们感到失望时该怎么办，就像考试没考好或者朋友没来玩一样。失望会让我们身体不舒服，比如头疼或肚子疼。文章说，失望常常是因为我们想得太美了，现实却不一样。它教我们四个小妙招：第一，调整期望，别要求太高；第二，别老是想不开心的事；第三，好好和别人说话，问问清楚；第四，别太执着于一定要怎么样。这样我们就能从失望中学到东西，变得更坚强。
佛学的各个宗派视角评价，突出《显密圆通成佛心要集》的视角
从佛学视角看，本文内容与大乘佛教的教义高度契合，特别是《显密圆通成佛心要集》所强调的显密圆融思想。失望作为痛苦的一种形式，正是佛教“苦”谛的体现。文章提出的释放执着，直接对应佛教的“放下我执”理念，这与《显密圆通成佛心要集》中“一切法无我”的教法相通。从显宗视角，文章强调正念和觉察，类似于禅宗的“观心”修行，帮助修行者看清期望的虚妄性。从密宗视角，特别是准提法的修持，本文内容可视为前行准备，通过管理情绪减少修行障碍。准提法作为显密圆通的典范，其咒语修持能直接对治烦恼，本文的正念练习可辅助培养专注和觉知，为深入修法奠定基础。《显密圆通成佛心要集》倡导的“即事而真”思想，在此体现为在日常生活失望中实践佛法，转化烦恼为菩提。
在修行实践上可以应用的和可以解决人们的十个问题。
在修行实践上，本文内容可应用于准提法修持，帮助解决人们的十个常见问题：1. 对未达期望的焦虑，通过正念安住当下；2. 反复纠结的思维模式，用咒语持诵打断妄念；3. 人际沟通中的误解，以慈悲心促进理解；4. 对物质结果的执着，观无常减少贪着；5. 情绪波动时的失控，借呼吸观照恢复平静；6. 完美主义带来的压力，学习接纳不完美；7. 孤独感与失落感，通过共修增强连接；8. 身体不适与心理关联，结合养生调节；9. 生活目标迷茫，以佛法智慧树立正见；10. 修行中的懈怠，用本文策略保持精进。准提法的简便易行，配合这些正念技巧，能有效提升修行品质，快速积累资粮。