英文原文
Having a Child Changes Your Brain: Finding Mid-Life Mindfulness by Ashley Soderlund Ph.D. I am standing at the kitchen sink and I sigh at the pile of unwashed dishes. I start rinsing and jamming them into the dishwasher as fast as I can because my mind is already racing to the next five things I have to do and I feel like it’s insurmountable. It’s also monotonous. My son runs by screaming in some made-up game about dragons and I tense up at the noise and snap at him to not run in the kitchen. Does any of that sound familiar to you? That stuck-in-a-rut, low-key irritation feeling? I know that I’ve felt like that a million times. But, I’m here to tell you there is a different way to feel. A way to harness the power of your ever-changing brain, perhaps even most especially in the parenting years. My journey in mindfulness began in graduate school. I signed up for a class in transpersonal psychology — or the psychology ‘beyond the self.’ It was taught by a professor who blended eastern philosophical orientations with western psychological approaches. The highlight of the semester was when a group of Tibetan Monks came to visit our class. They didn’t lecture or really, even talk that much at all. They taught by example, by doing. In a way very similar to the parent-child relationship. They spent most of their time with us creating a Mandala from colored sand. Bit by bit they sculpt the sand into an extremely detailed piece of art. The construction of the mandala is a form of mindfulness meditation in itself. It is an exercise in immersing oneself in the task at hand, simply for the sake of being dedicated to something in that moment. Once the Mandala is complete, the monks ceremoniously destroy their work. The mandala represents the impermanence of life. The impermanence of our life. How, like a piece of colored sand, each of us is just a small speck in the universe of existence. How we are intricately interwoven and beautiful. And how — we all have just a moment in time to make a beautiful and meaningful life. What does any of this have to do with the monotony that parenting sometimes is? Everything... I’ll get there at the end — but first... we need to understand a little brain science... Parenting and Mindfulness: Changes in the Adult Brain As an adult, our brains are less plastic, less changeable than our children’s. We are developed and mature — set in our ways so to speak. Yet, the adult brain is not rigid. It is still plastic, although less so. There are two things in particular that can cause quite significant changes in the adult brain: Having a child. Learning and practicing meditation. How Having a Child Changes the Brain — in a Good Way! Research shows that there are increases in gray matter volume in the prefrontal cortex, parietal lobes, and midbrain areas in mothers postpartum. This newly developed “parental” brain is thought to help us respond to infant cues. Increases in gray matter are followed by an intense period of pruning — the loss of gray matter for at least two years after birth. This has been the subject of much negative press and jokes– “Having kids is killing off my brain cells, no wonder I can’t remember anything!” This is sort-of true. When the brain develops many new connections, the brain is less efficient and communication within the brain is muddled. Thinking and remembering does feel harder because it is in this new over-connected and less efficient brain. Significant brain development like this happens three times in our lives: toddlerhood, mid-adolescence, and after having a child. So, think about how a toddler acts, how an adolescent acts, and just discard your “mom guilt” right here and right now. The same part of the brain — regulatory systems — is under development at these three periods. And while you are at a different stage than a toddler or adolescent, any time you are dealing with new brain development — it’s hard! But it is isn’t the ‘loss of brain cells” like the jokes suggest that it is hard. It is having too many brain cells, or really, too many connections. With new connections, comes new abilities. But, the brain has to learn from experience which connections are important. Which connections to strengthen — and the rest are pruned away. Until, the brain figures out which connections it really needs and strengthens those and prunes the rest — hence the loss of gray matter. But really, it is the GAIN of stronger new connections in the brain. Research shows that women with more “loss” of gray matter (read: pruning and strengthening of connections) had a stronger attachment to their infants and less negative feelings towards their infants. The changes we see in a mother’s brain during pregnancy and after birth are located in areas associated with emotions and regulation. And there is evidence that changes happen in dad’s brains too, so it isn’t completely explained by the hormonal changes of pregnancy and birth. When we become a parent, our brains change. When our child is born, we are born as parents. This is a new role and with it comes newly developed parts of our brain. And we must be gentle with ourselves. We are not born knowing everything we know to be a good parent. We are learning and growing right alongside our kids. One Other Way The Brain ‘Grows’ in Adulthood: Meditation There is only one other thing besides having a child that is known to change in the brain in adulthood is meditation. Research suggests that practicing mindfulness meditation for just 8 weeks is associated with changes in gray matter concentration in brain regions involved in learning and memory processes, emotion regulation, self-referential processing, and perspective-taking in adults. While these are not exactly the same areas of the brain that changes with parenthood, there is a significant overlap. Why does this matter? When you become a parent your brain may be primed to be able to learn things like mindfulness. You may pick it up faster or easier than at other times in your life. Meditation may be a way to harness your newfound parental brain. And that is could be a really good thing. Because mindfulness training (compared to relaxation) in adults dissipates stress by causing a reduction in inflammatory biomarkers. It makes you more stress-resilient. There are also increases in empathy and compassion in adults who practice mindfulness meditation — both qualities necessary in parenting. The Mindful Parent: Harnessing the Power of Your Brain So, if we all start meditating all day it’s all hunky dory? Not exactly. Benefits for children were not necessarily seen for parents who meditated, but for those whose parents used mindfulness as part of their parenting, as a parenting tool. Mindfulness in parenting is harnessing the power of the parent brain in conjunction with the mindful brain — using your newfound skills and abilities to their fullest. Reaching your potential as a parent. So, what is mindful parenting exactly? A Shift in Perspective Really it all comes down to a shift in perspective. From being harried and rushed to being present and engaged in the moment. To being self-aware of your own state of mind so you can detect the early symptoms of stress and stop the cycle. To go from trying to do it all, to being here right now. Be Present. So that you can... Intentionally and mindfully respond to your child instead of automatically reacting. Recognize that your child’s behavior is unformed communication. Mindfully listen to what your child is trying to tell you in words, in emotions, and in behavior. Identify your own emotional triggers as they first start to bubble up. See that your child’s emotions are bigger than they are. Pause, breathe, and think before you respond. Mindful Parenting in Action Being a mindful parent is being fully engaged and aware. Proactive rather than reactive. The easiest way to start is to simply pause and reflect before you react. Embrace imperfection. Researchers who study mindful parenting use it as an intervention aimed at reducing self-judgment, especially as it comes to our own judgment of our parenting. They have found that practicing mindful parenting leads to less depressive, anxious, and stress-symptoms in mothers. We are growing and changing as parents. Parenthood is a journey — an amazing journey in which we ourselves are developing and changing right alongside our kids. Our milestones cannot be captured on growth charts or speaking first words, but rather in our emotional and cognitive world. We will have growth spurts and awkward phases too — that is part of our growth. We aim for patience and kindness. Parenting without harsh words or loud voices. But we are all human. Part of being a mindful parent is having self-compassion. Raising a child — giving them tools for life — watching them grow and then letting them go — it’s emotional, it fills us with joy and sorrow all at once. It’s an amazing, soulful journey that we are on. One of the things I remember most from the visit with the Tibetan Monks all those years ago is how happy they were. We all commented on it because it took us a little by surprise. We had expected the monks to be serious, perhaps solemn. We had prepared ourselves to be presentable by being straight and stiff — yet as soon as we met them we felt their non-judgmental compassion and our guards came tumbling down. We found ourselves cheerful and joyous. And I realize now — this is how I want to be as a parent — how you probably want to be as a parent too. As a parent, I found mindfulness again. I’d like to meditate more consistently. I’d like to be less anxious and worried. I’d like my son to look back and remember a light-hearted mother who was there, engaged, who listened with compassion. It’s a self-compassionate journey. Here I am again, washing the dishes. I feel the stress start to bubble up and I stop it. I look out the window — there are a few cardinals and a wren eating at the feeder. I exhale slowly. I notice the smell of the ginger-yuzu dish soap (my favorite) as I scrub the pan clean. Yes, it will get dirty again soon, but for now, I feel satisfaction that it is sparkling clean. I breathe. And when my son runs by on his imaginary dragon — I smile — I tell him there are birds outside and I tell him not to run by the dishwasher when it’s open. He smiles and races around the table while I start piling dishes into the dishwater. It sounds hokey, but the only real difference is — I’m present. I still have 10 — no 20 more things to do. My son is still screaming. But I’m different. I am choosing to be different. I am choosing to be here — to see my son — to smile at his imagination. Because one day — all those brightly colored pieces of sand will be swept away. All I really have is now. It’s not time that makes life meaningful. Time is an illusion, time makes us busy and sad. It’s the connections we make — how we listen to each other — being present in the moment — that makes life meaningful. There is a place for memories and there is a place for planning. But if you spend all your time in the past or in the future, you miss today. If you engage and connect with your child in the moment, the rest of it fades away and you find yourself enjoying this time. This mundane moment washing dishes as he runs around with dragons.
中文翻译
《有孩子会改变你的大脑：寻找中年正念》作者：Ashley Soderlund 博士。我站在厨房水槽边，对着那堆未洗的盘子叹了口气。我开始冲洗并把它们塞进洗碗机，速度尽可能快，因为我的思绪已经飞到了接下来要做的五件事上，感觉这简直无法完成。这也单调乏味。我的儿子跑过，尖叫着玩一些关于龙的虚构游戏，我对噪音感到紧张，厉声叫他不要在厨房里跑。这些听起来熟悉吗？那种陷入困境、低度烦躁的感觉？我知道我已经感觉过无数次了。但是，我在这里告诉你，有一种不同的感受方式。一种利用你不断变化大脑力量的方式，也许尤其是在育儿岁月中。我的正念之旅始于研究生院。我报名参加了一门超个人心理学课程——或者说“超越自我”的心理学。它由一位融合东方哲学取向和西方心理学方法的教授授课。这个学期的亮点是一群西藏僧人来访我们的课堂。他们没有讲课，甚至真的不怎么说话。他们以身作则，通过行动来教导。这种方式与亲子关系非常相似。他们大部分时间都在和我们一起用彩色沙子创作曼陀罗。一点一点地，他们将沙子塑造成一件极其精细的艺术品。曼陀罗的构建本身就是一种正念冥想形式。这是一种沉浸于手头任务的练习，仅仅是为了在那个时刻专注于某事。一旦曼陀罗完成，僧人们会仪式性地摧毁他们的作品。曼陀罗代表着生命的无常。我们生命的无常。就像一粒彩色沙子，我们每个人只是存在宇宙中的一个小点。我们是多么错综复杂地交织在一起，多么美丽。而且——我们都只有一瞬间来创造美丽而有意义的生活。这一切与育儿有时单调乏味有什么关系？一切...我最后会讲到——但首先...我们需要了解一点脑科学...育儿与正念：成年大脑的变化作为成年人，我们的大脑比孩子的大脑可塑性更差，更不易改变。我们是成熟和成熟的——可以说是固守己见。然而，成年大脑并非僵化。它仍然具有可塑性，尽管程度较低。有两件事特别能引起成年大脑的显著变化：有孩子。学习和练习冥想。有孩子如何改变大脑——以好的方式！研究表明，母亲产后前额叶皮层、顶叶和中脑区域的灰质体积增加。这种新发展的“父母”大脑被认为有助于我们回应婴儿的提示。灰质增加之后是一个强烈的修剪期——出生后至少两年内灰质的损失。这成为许多负面新闻和笑话的主题——“有孩子正在杀死我的脑细胞，难怪我什么都记不住！”这有点道理。当大脑发展出许多新连接时，大脑效率较低，大脑内的沟通混乱。思考和记忆确实感觉更困难，因为它处于这种新的过度连接且效率较低的大脑状态。像这样显著的大脑发育在我们一生中发生三次：幼儿期、青春期中期和有了孩子之后。所以，想想幼儿如何行动，青少年如何行动，就在这里和现在抛弃你的“妈妈内疚”。大脑的同一部分——调节系统——在这三个时期正在发育。虽然你处于与幼儿或青少年不同的阶段，但任何时候你处理新的大脑发育——都很难！但这并不是像笑话暗示的那样“脑细胞损失”导致困难。而是有太多的脑细胞，或者真的，太多的连接。有了新连接，就有了新能力。但是，大脑必须从经验中学习哪些连接是重要的。哪些连接需要加强——其余的则被修剪掉。直到大脑弄清楚它真正需要哪些连接，加强那些，修剪其余的——因此灰质损失。但实际上，这是大脑中更强新连接的获得。研究表明，灰质“损失”更多的女性（即：连接修剪和加强）对婴儿的依恋更强，对婴儿的负面情绪更少。我们在母亲怀孕期间和产后看到的大脑变化位于与情绪和调节相关的区域。有证据表明，父亲的大脑也会发生变化，所以这不能完全用怀孕和分娩的荷尔蒙变化来解释。当我们成为父母时，我们的大脑会改变。当我们的孩子出生时，我们作为父母诞生。这是一个新角色，随之而来的是我们大脑新发展的部分。我们必须对自己温柔。我们并非生来就知道成为好父母所需的一切。我们正在与孩子一起学习和成长。大脑在成年期“成长”的另一种方式：冥想除了有孩子之外，唯一已知能改变成年大脑的就是冥想。研究表明，仅练习正念冥想8周就与成年人学习记忆过程、情绪调节、自我参照处理和观点采择相关大脑区域的灰质浓度变化有关。虽然这些与育儿变化的大脑区域不完全相同，但有显著重叠。为什么这很重要？当你成为父母时，你的大脑可能已经准备好学习像正念这样的东西。你可能比生活中其他时候更快或更容易掌握它。冥想可能是利用你新发现的父母大脑的一种方式。这可能是一件非常好的事情。因为成年人的正念训练（与放松相比）通过减少炎症生物标志物来消散压力。它使你更具抗压能力。练习正念冥想的成年人同理心和同情心也会增加——这两者都是育儿所需的品质。正念父母：利用你大脑的力量那么，如果我们都开始整天冥想，一切就都完美了吗？不完全是这样。对于冥想父母的孩子的益处不一定被看到，但对于那些将正念作为育儿一部分、作为育儿工具的父母的孩子有益。育儿中的正念是利用父母大脑与正念大脑的结合力量——充分利用你新获得的技能和能力。达到你作为父母的潜力。那么，正念育儿到底是什么？视角的转变真的，一切都归结为视角的转变。从匆忙和仓促到当下在场和投入。意识到自己的心态，以便检测压力的早期症状并停止循环。从试图做所有事，到就在这里现在。在场。这样你就可以...有意识地和正念地回应你的孩子，而不是自动反应。认识到孩子的行为是未成形的沟通。正念地倾听孩子试图用语言、情绪和行为告诉你什么。识别自己的情绪触发点，当它们刚开始冒泡时。看到孩子的情绪比他们本身更大。在回应前暂停、呼吸和思考。正念育儿在行动做一个正念父母是完全投入和觉察。主动而非被动。最简单的开始方式是在反应前简单地暂停和反思。拥抱不完美。研究正念育儿的研究人员将其用作旨在减少自我评判的干预措施，尤其是对我们育儿自我评判的干预。他们发现，练习正念育儿导致母亲抑郁、焦虑和压力症状减少。我们作为父母正在成长和改变。为人父母是一段旅程——一段奇妙的旅程，我们自己正在与孩子一起发展和改变。我们的里程碑无法用生长图表或说第一个词来捕捉，而是在我们的情绪和认知世界中。我们也会有成长突增和尴尬阶段——这是我们成长的一部分。我们目标是耐心和善良。育儿没有严厉的言语或大声的声音。但我们都是人。成为正念父母的一部分是拥有自我同情。抚养孩子——给他们生活工具——看着他们成长然后放手——这是情感的，它同时充满喜悦和悲伤。这是我们正在经历的一段奇妙、充满灵魂的旅程。多年前与西藏僧人访问时，我记得最清楚的事情之一是他们多么快乐。我们都评论了这一点，因为它让我们有点惊讶。我们原以为僧人会严肃，也许庄重。我们准备好通过笔直和僵硬来表现得体——但一见到他们，我们就感受到他们非评判性的同情，我们的防备心崩溃了。我们发现自己变得愉快和快乐。我现在意识到——这就是我想成为的父母——可能你也想成为这样的父母。作为父母，我重新找到了正念。我想更持续地冥想。我想减少焦虑和担忧。我希望我的儿子回顾时记得一个轻松愉快的母亲，她在那里，投入，带着同情倾听。这是一段自我同情的旅程。我又在这里洗盘子了。我感到压力开始冒泡，我阻止了它。我望向窗外——有几只红衣主教鸟和鹪鹩在喂食器上吃东西。我慢慢呼气。我注意到姜柚洗洁精（我最喜欢的）的味道，当我擦洗锅子干净时。是的，它很快又会变脏，但现在，我感到满意，因为它闪闪发光。我呼吸。当我的儿子骑着他的想象龙跑过时——我微笑——我告诉他外面有鸟，我告诉他洗碗机开着时不要跑过。他微笑着围着桌子跑，而我开始把盘子堆进洗碗机。听起来有点老套，但唯一真正的区别是——我在场。我还有10件——不，20件更多的事要做。我的儿子还在尖叫。但我不同了。我选择变得不同。我选择在这里——看到我的儿子——对他的想象力微笑。因为有一天——所有那些鲜艳的彩色沙子都会被扫走。我真正拥有的只有现在。不是时间让生活有意义。时间是一种幻觉，时间让我们忙碌和悲伤。是我们建立的联系——我们如何倾听彼此——当下在场——让生活有意义。记忆有它的位置，计划有它的位置。但如果你把所有时间都花在过去或未来，你会错过今天。如果你在当下与孩子互动和联系，其余的一切都会消失，你会发现自己享受这段时间。这个平凡的洗盘子时刻，当他骑着龙跑来跑去时。
文章概要
本文探讨了正念如何提升中年亲子关系质量。作者通过个人经历和脑科学研究，指出有孩子和冥想是成年大脑发生积极变化的两个关键因素。育儿促使大脑灰质增加和修剪，增强情绪调节和亲子依恋；而正念冥想则能减少压力、提升同理心。文章强调正念育儿是一种视角转变，从被动反应到主动在场，通过暂停、倾听和接纳不完美，父母可以更有效地与孩子连接，享受育儿的平凡时刻，从而在中年阶段深化亲子关系。
高德明老师的评价
这篇文章就像一位妈妈在厨房里洗盘子时，突然发现了一个秘密：有孩子会让大脑变得更聪明，就像玩沙子做曼陀罗一样，虽然一开始有点乱，但最后能做出漂亮的东西。正念就是教我们慢下来，好好听孩子说话，不要总是急着做下一件事，这样亲子关系就会像彩色沙子一样美丽又牢固。
从佛学宗派视角看，这篇文章体现了大乘佛教的慈悲与智慧，特别是显宗中强调的当下觉知和利他精神。文中提到的曼陀罗制作与摧毁，生动诠释了“诸行无常”的佛法核心，这与《显密圆通成佛心要集》倡导的“即事而真”理念高度契合——在日常育儿中修持正念，正是将佛法融入生活的实践。准提法作为显密圆通的法门，其“清净观”和“持咒安心”的方法，能帮助父母在纷扰中保持内心平静，增强亲子连接的深度，这正是文章所倡导的“在场”与“连接”的升华。
在修行实践上，这篇文章可以应用并解决人们的十个问题：1. 缓解育儿压力，通过正念呼吸减少焦虑；2. 提升情绪管理，像准提法持咒一样稳定心态；3. 增强亲子沟通，学习倾听如佛法中的“闻思修”；4. 培养耐心，借鉴禅修中的安住当下；5. 减少自我批判，实践佛法中的自我慈悲；6. 提升同理心，体现大乘的利他精神；7. 找到生活意义，在平凡中见佛法真谛；8. 改善家庭氛围，营造和谐如净土的环境；9. 促进个人成长，将育儿视为修行道场；10. 深化生命连接，体验佛法中的缘起共生。准提法的简便易行，尤其适合忙碌父母快速安顿身心，让正念育儿成为通往智慧与慈悲的桥梁。